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Wah!! I hate the net!!!! I’m still stuck here, working out on the official website of IPTA… Stupid internet connection..

Result will be out in less than a week… My tummy do flip flops everytime i think of it.. Lot’s of " what will i do if…." questions and also lots of "what if…" questions.. Taken for example, - "what will i do if i don’t get As?" and worst of all, questions of "what if…" pop into my mind.. In other words, those are the questions of regret..

Eg - what if i stayed on in sibu? will my result be better?

- what if i was not nervous during maths, PA and chemistry test that day? will my result be better?

ARGH… I dunno… i dunno… i dunno….. no use feeling regret now…

….and why do we have to apply IPTA through the net? i’d rather do it manually… WAH!!!!!!!

Some i have never felt so totally hopeless before… STPM is just 2 weeks away and i havent covered all the topics yet…some people say this is last minute work.. hmmm.. dunno but i started my revision this june.. guess it’s just my stupid brain..it keeps on forgetting things.. or maybe i am just being plain stupid… ahhhh!!!!

It has been almost a week that my best friend left me… I still couldn’t seem to totally let her go..

Hafizah was buried last sunday.. Sorry fizah,..i didn’t attend your funeral eventhough i am in Miri.. i am afraid i might break down again if i attend your funeral… Ever since i received the news that you were in coma, i couldn’t stop crying..Ever since you left me, i had been crying, especially in scholl..All those sweet memories… Today i am better, i don’t cry anymore but i’d still be in tears whenever i see your picture.. After her funeral i called your mum, fizah. We chatted for a while before your mum asked me to let you go..

I have something to pass to you, maybe i might pass it to auntie (your mum). Now going to your house will only remind me of the sweet times we had spent together.. Remember the time when we used to fry keropok ikan and keropok udang at your house? We didn’t fry them at the end but instead your aunt and your mum had to do it and we packed them instead! After that, you would bring me to play with your cats and your pet monkey.. During Hari Raya i would visit your house and as usual, you would ask me to try your “cornflakes” cookies that you made. Then, you would ask me whether they taste nice or not..And during Chinese New Year you would visit me…I really miss those times..

I still dream of you.. I just can’t stop missing you, your voice and your laughter… Once in a while you would call me and we would chat for about half an hour, laughing and giggling before you finally said ” okayla..dah lama dah..auntie saya habis kredit nanti…”

Remember the times that we used to play in class? During form one we even played under the teacher’s table… Oh yes, i still remember what you used to say to me ” Audrey, kelak saya jadi pharmacist, kamu jadi doktor, okay? Nanti kita buka klinik bersama-sama dan saya akan jadi partner kamu…”

And every year you’d call me during my birthday, wishing me a happy birthday.. I’d do the same too, calling you, wishing you during your birthday. I still remember waht you told me last year, when you called me ” Audrey, sorry kerana tak dapat celebrate dengan kamu tahun ini…tak ada hadiah tahun ni…” to tell you the truth, i really didn’t mind that, as long as you call me to wish me happy birthday.. And i had told you ” tak apa..Saya gembira hari ini.. Dahla kamu dah bagi surprise msg pukul 12 mlm tadi..Thanks for calling..i really appreciate it..”

There are soooo many memories that we had shared together..Wherever you are now, i hope you rest in peace. You’ll always be my best friend…and i miss you…

I still can’t accept the fact that she’s gone.. My best friend, fizah…she’s gone…4ver and ever…

I was revising my biology when my cellpone rang… 9.11am.. usually no one would call me at this time.. i took my hp and fizah’s house number appeared on the screen. Anticipating that it might be good news, i answered the call. It was her aunt, sobbing..

I thought it might be tears of joy,..waiting for her aunt to tell me tat fizah had finally woken up after 4 days of coma. But i was wrong..It turned up to be tears of sorrow… I can still remember those words her aunt told me,"Audery..Audrey…Fizah dia…dia sudah meninggal…" At that point, only God knows how i felt. I couldn’t believe what i heard, i asked her to repeat what she had said earlier. Then, i stood there, my handphone in my hand, feeling numb, unemotional, feeling i’ve lost someone..someone i had spent most of my teenage life with…

The whole day i am blur…i’ll sob, stop and i’ll feel blur again.. I’ve tried to stop myself from thinking of her,..but i just can’t. Everywhere i go, everything i see, i can only see Fizah. It’s really painful to lose her…

Mum took me out to town..It’s useless..When i see the pbsm hq, i’ll think of her. when i see parkson, imperial mall, memories will flash back once more..

Going to school on Monday is going to be even worse.. We had shared lots of memories in every corner of that school. I really don’t know how i am going to school next week… I miss her a lot.. now i don’t want anything… i just want her back !!! 5 years being with her isn’t a short time..and losing her is like feeling a part of your soul has been bruised… I’m going to miss her lots..

Fizah, you’ll always be in my prayer..

My dear friends, please continue to pray for her soul..

May she rest in peace and may the Lord bless her always.. Amen.

I still can’t accept the fact that she’s gone.. My best friend, fizah…she’s gone…4ver and ever…

I was revising my biology when my cellpone rang… 9.11am.. usually no one would call me at this time.. i took my hp and fizah’s house number appeared on the screen. Anticipating that it might be good news, i answered the call. It was her aunt, sobbing..

I thought it might be tears of joy,..waiting for her aunt to tell me tat fizah had finally woken up after 4 days of coma. But i was wrong..It turned up to be tears of sorrow… I can still remember those words her aunt told me,"Audery..Audrey…Fizah dia…dia sudah meninggal…" At that point, only God knows how i felt. I couldn’t believe what i heard, i asked her to repeat what she had said earlier. Then, i stood there, my handphone in my hand, feeling numb, unemotional, feeling i’ve lost someone..someone i had spent most of my teenage life with…

The whole day i am blur…i’ll sob, stop and i’ll feel blur again.. I’ve tried to stop myself from thinking of her,..but i just can’t. Everywhere i go, everything i see, i can only see Fizah. It’s really painful to lose her…

Mum took me out to town..It’s useless..When i see the pbsm hq, i’ll think of her. when i see parkson, imperial mall, memories will flash back once more..

Going to school on Monday is going to be even worse.. We had shared lots of memories in every corner of that school. I really don’t know how i am going to school next week… I miss her a lot.. now i don’t want anything… i just want her back !!! 5 years being with her isn’t a short time..and losing her is like feeling a part of your soul has been bruised… I’m going to miss her lots..

Fizah, you’ll always be in my prayer..

My dear friends, please continue to pray for her soul..

May she rest in peace and may the Lord bless her always.. Amen.

Okay. I am half-grounded. Not totally rounded but half-grounded. Half-grounded here means halving the frequency of everything, especially family outings in the afternoons and sometimes at night. I have to stay at home most of the time, until STPM finishes. Also, halving the fequency of going out with friends ( I am fine with this coz i only go out with my friends once in a blue moon ) , cutting down the hours of sleeping ( an agony!!), no more novels ( an agony too!! ) and adding the no of visits to Pustaka and adding the hours of studying.. Well, i don’t mind not going out with my friends < coz i seldom go out > but cutting the hours of sleeping? Hmm.. big sacrifice…. but nevermind..after STPM, i’ll hibernate……

STPM —- 52 days left…

Hey, my upper six friends out there, if you have any news about this year’s STPM, pls do inform me.

Thanks!!

It’s 11.44pm.. nope…i still dont wanna sleep yet.. wanna wait for Mars ( They say that Mars appears once in 200 years an it’s appearing today ) …

Had a lot of great fun these 2 days.. Went to the Curtin grand ball with my leng cai last nite.. It was really great.. A nite to be rememberd always.. Time flies when you are having fun.. Hmm..but time flies even faster when you are spending time with your beloved one… Hehe…

Well, school’s starting again 2moro…haiz…SIGH !!!!

something good had happened these few days…Yeah!! Tomorrow’s hari penyampaian hadiah!!!

I seldom cry in my life. Honestly, u can literally count the number of times that i had cried. Even when i was born, i didn’t cry. The doctor had to give me a smack to make sure that i was a normal baby.

As a first born, i’d think that crying is losing and crying in front of your siblings is definitely a BIG no-no.

My mum and my friends usually would wonder why i seldom want to cry. The only times that u will see me cry are the times when i am too sad, or depressed. Okay, I admit it :- i do cry once in a while, due to stress but that’s only 1 or 2 drops of tears. Most is 3 drops. ( no kidding ) Most of the times i prefer to laugh off my worries or swallow my hurt or pain.

I even joked with my mum yesterday saying that tough girls don’t cry.

But today, i cried - about 30 minutes non-stop. Tears of frustration. I mean, who won’t be frustrated when the teacher told u weeks before that u were number one - the top in your class and suddenly today she tells you that there had been some mistake and you are no longer the top student. I mean, i got 4Ps ( 4 passes ) and getting the highest marks for other subjects, rite? I even got the highest NGMP. Somehow or rather, i m still not 1. After all the hard work… who won’t be frustrated?

I thought i m going to be strong after i had received the news from my eacher. I was on my way back to my class, thinking, " i’d be fine. I’m gonna smile. Nothing’s wrong. I’m not gonna cry…" However, supprisingly, when i reached class, I cried, for 30 minutes. Then, got a severe headache. Got home, told my mum about this, she said that it was stupid for me to cry over such things..What matters most is the result in the end..( that’s what she said )

Dunno…But it’s been my dream..But nevermind, I’ll be strong… It might be quite a time i’ll be walking around with puffy eyes..but, for sure..I AM GONNA STAND UP AGAIN & beat the rest…I AM GONNA BE OKAY !!!

It’s really hard to describe how i am feeling these few days…
delighted….angry..happy…sad…uneasy…stressed….nervous…dunnolah..all jumbled up together..

Weather’s getting hotter and more humid nowadays..i hate this kind of weather..makes me fall sick n i often suffer form blackouts due to extremely hot weather…
The radio announces that this kinda weather will continue until August…haizzz